“Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours.” ~Epictetus
Rescuer, persecutor and victim are three terms that are worth noting with regard to the ‘Drama Triangle’ and relationships that are part of our personal and professional lives on a day to day basis. We naturally fall into roles in response to those we are around, habits we’ve formed and stories we have about ourselves and the worlds in which we live.
Upon increasing understanding around this, it was interesting to learn that actually, a lot of the roles are all too common and we can pre-empt and therefore, alter our ways of interacting based on these everyday roles as they play out.
The drama triangle is a framework based on Karpman’s model from the 1960’s. It is a model of dysfunctional social interaction that involves three roles: the victim, the rescuer and the persecutor. Each role represents a common and ineffective response to conflict.
The journey around the triangle can happen with self, a partner, friend or co-worker. Most of us are neurologically programmed to play these roles and we consciously or unconsciously choose to play them out. This varies depending on who we are interacting with and our default role (usually based on childhood conditioning).
How do you know which role you are playing?
The Victim – ‘Poor me’
Victims often feel victimised, trapped, helpless and hopeless. They think they are at the mercy of life. They are unwilling to take responsibility for their undesirable circumstances and don’t think they have the power to change their lives.
The Rescuer – ‘Let me help you’
Rescuers constantly intervene on behalf of the victims and try to save victims from perceived harm. They feel guilty of standing by and ‘watching people drown’. Often rescuers will get involved without being asked and can enable unhealthy behaviours in the victim.
The Persecutor – ‘The deliberate bully’
Persecutors are like ‘Critical Parents’ who are strict and firm and set boundaries. They tend to think that they must win at any cost.
Persecutors blame the Victims and criticize the behaviour of Rescuers, without providing appropriate guidance, assistance or a solution to the problem. They are critical and good at finding fault, and control with order and rigidity. They keep the Victims oppressed.
Now you are aware of the Drama Triangle and the roles in the triangular setting. So are you a victim, a rescuer, or a persecutor?
If you’re human, chances are you may see yourself or be seen by others, as all three in different scenarios.
It is important to point out that the players in the Drama Triangle may switch roles during a mind game, and if anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.
How do we change our relationships to move out of the Drama Triangle?
Awareness is everything and it is how we change it.
A decent way to observe these roles is to observe how they are played out by others.
If you observe others taking the victim role, for example, and can name it as such, ask yourself ‘what role am I taking in response?’. The answer may be rescuer or persecutor.
Upon observation, this can gather further insight and allow you to recognise how these play out in your interactions. Write it down, journal as much as possible and then, assess as much as possible so you can be continually aware of which role you are moving into.